The Awful Truth About the Good Times Virus
It turns out that the Good Times so-called hoax virus is very dangerous after all.

Good Times *will* re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Good Times will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Good Times, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hnew most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behnew. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Good Times will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase grade-schoolers with your new snowblower.

Good Times will cause your cakes to fall and your blood pressure to rise. It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up reactionary talk stations at the expense of others. It prevents scurvy, but it gives you mega garlic breath as it does so, which makes the net results negative. It cheats at Scrabble.

It can forge your signature. It plays the bagpipes in your basement. It shaves over your bathroom sink and then leaves the hair to clog your drain. It does bad celebrity impersonations in front of your friends.

Good Times will put you on spam lists from around the world. It will make little whining noises in the middle of the night, and stop when you get up to look. And once you have it, you have it forever. If you try to get Good Times off your system, it will send the government a W-4 saying you made $350,000 last year. From drug sales.

Have a nice day.

Last revised August 29, 2000